Posted on : Sunday, February 21, 2010
Editorial Type : Article
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Editorial Type : Article
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Before I get into the handbook there are a couple of things I need to establish:
A) Yes, men can also be clingy bitches. Don't believe me? I can introduce you to a few. As I've said in the past: "clingy men are a turn off, if I wanted to snuggle with a vagina for a few hours I'd fall asleep looking down."
B) Fuck Buddies are not to be mistaken with 'Friends/Acquaintances with benefits' (occasionally fucking people you actually enjoy spending some time with) or 'One night stands' (fucking people once you will never see or hear from again). These two equally special relationships that will be elaborated upon later, after I do some more extensive research. Why? Because I care.
C) If you don't think your a clingy bitch and fully disagree with all points bellow, your perhaps the worst kind of them all and need to undergo additional training before putting an ad out for a fuck buddy.
Steps on how to pick+maintain a fuck buddy:
1) Before you begin your search make sure you are NOT looking for a relationship. Not sure? This will help:
You can have no internal desire to cuddle (gag), hold hands, have romantic dinners, or daily phone conversations with a person of opposite genitalia. There are no exceptions here, remember fuck buddies are perfectly ok without hearing your voice unless it's screaming "Fuck me!" or any other variation of that. If you do talk to excess don't be surprised if they try to convince you that gagging is a fetish of theirs... they just need you to shut the fuck up, and sticking a dick in your mouth is just not doing the trick. The one exception is that you may speak about sports if your into it, also makes a great "balls" segway is many cases.
2) Pick someone you are physically attracted to. This may seem like a no brainer to some but none of this "Buttt I like his/her personality!!!!" bullshit. Your personality is about as important as a transsexual man's ball sack at this point. They can take it or leave it and vice versa. Beauty on the 'inside' only counts if you are referring to the 'inside' of someone's pants.
3) To elaborate on the last point I would in fact recommend someone you don't' even fucking like that much. This is NOT your friend or acquaintance you occasionally fuck, this is someone you will be seeing weekly. Having a good time together anywhere else but bed is harmful. It is important to find conversations with a door more interesting than with this person in order to tame your clingy side.
4) Proximity is important, no one wants to drive more than 20 minutes to get off, we all have shit to do. For example in those 20 minutes alone I can finish off a bottle of wine while polishing my dildo collection which I proudly display in my china cabinet.
5) Establish that ALL you will be doing is fucking. No movies and no dinners. Eat on your own time. There is only one thing that you should be eating/swallowing and it is not featured on restaurant menus.
6) Texts are acceptable but should resemble something along the lines of "Fuck me stupid!" or "Let's play army, you lie down and I'll blow the shit out of you" or "Let's play Titanic, I yell 'ICEBERG' and you go down"
7)Take your own car/cab to the location of the fuckathon. No one wants to pick your ass up unless there is some sort of road head involved. Also this way you can cum and leave as you please.
8) Be aggressive, don't wait for the guy to make the first move. It's not gonna suck itself ladies!
9) Make sure the bonining is good. It has to get the job done, both parties MUST cross the finish line.
10) Missionary position is unacceptable, we're not making love here people. I suggest doggy. This way instead of gazing into each other's eyes, you can bite into a pillow and muffle your scrams...but enough about me
11) There is absolutely no cuddling under any conditions! Ever. Nothing more than the 3-5 minutes of settling down and catching your breath. Then you get the fuck out of there faster than an olympic runner. There is no reason for you to stick around for longer unless you need an ice pack for some sort of head board injury you suffered.
12) I cannot stress again how as fuck buddies we DO NOT spend the night! No one wants to see your ugly mug in the morning.
13) Lastly, ladies listen up! It's true what they say, 2 heads are ALWAYS better than one. So invest in two fuck buddies. Pick a favorite and use the second one as a back up plan, or in case of emergencies.
Follow all these rules and you might actually stand a chance of getting laid on a regular basis by someone that doesn't just want to stick a cock in your mouth for the sole purpose of shutting you up.
And remember: keep dating, relationships, and rings off your mind! (unless of course they are cock rings)
Get to FUKING folks!
This was a public service announcement brought to you by Elina Says (http://nocuddling.com)